How to Solve Parenting Conflicts
What are parenting conflicts?
- Parenting conflicts are common in almost every family. Different parenting styles can cause conflicts not only between couples but also with grandparents and other caregivers. Even trivial daily tasks like feeding, putting a child to bed, bathing, and communication with your child can cause conflict. This is natural and a part of every parenting experience.
- Parenting conflicts occur frequently because each parent has different thoughts about and ways they want to raise their children. Conflict itself is not a big problem. Rather, from a child's perspective, experiencing people with different parenting styles can have a positive impact. However, you should be careful not to fight in front of your child or give inconsistent instructions with different parenting styles. These may confuse your child.
Causes of parenting conflicts
- The biggest reason for parenting conflicts between couples is because they grew up in different environments and had different parenting experiences from their own parents. Thus, they raise their children based on the parenting styles or experiences they received. This phenomenon, in which new parents continue the same parenting as their own parents, is called “inheritance of parenting” and takes it easy for conflicts to arise. Parents may also try to overcome their own shortcomings or achieve unattainable achievements through their children, which can cause conflicts with their spouses if they force their children to do things they don't want to do.
- When individuals hold strong opinions, and both sides insist their viewpoint is better without being willing to listen or compromise, conflict is virtually inevitable.
- Increased involvement from fathers in parenting will also lead to conflicts. Fathers, of course, want to be good dads and be involved in parenting, but a push for their own parenting style can cause strife between conflicts. However, conflicts can have a positive side!
Resolving Conflicts : Talking It Out
- Open communication is a must when it comes to resolving conflict. Of course, it’s not always easy for us to do. This is true whether between spouses or between parents and children.
- Focus on the person you are talking to
The basic principle of conversation is to focus on the person you are talking to. Think about how focused you are on your spouse when you are talking to them. While your spouse is talking, consider whether your brain is focused on other things, such as what you need to do or errands for your child, or even whether you’re too busy with caring for your child or on your smartphone.
- Check your emotions
Emotions significantly affect the quality of conversation. When you’re physically exhausted, your mind also becomes more tired, and you're more likely to interpret the other person's intentions negatively. Take time to reflect on yourself, such as whether you’re taking out your negative emotions on your spouse and thinking they’ll accept it all because you consider them a safe space. Work to control your emotions so you don’t express annoyance or dissatisfaction thanks to parenting or other people with your spouse as a target.
- Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes
To have a good conversation, you need to think from your spouse's perspective. Reflect on whether you set your own expectations and imposed them on your spouse.
- Understand differences in communication patterns
Quietness, talkativeness, and even how emotions are expressed vary from person to person. Understand how your spouse communicates and work with them. Don’t base conversation on your own standards.
Resolving Conflicts: Planning Time
In many cases, conflicts from role sharing and parenting arise due to dissatisfaction with how time is allotted and used. As mentioned earlier, it is necessary for couples to check how they will use their time when sharing parental responsibility.
- Check the daily schedule with your spouse
You most likely created schedules or itineraries for vacations when you were younger. Now that you have a child, have each partner write down what your daily routine is like and check how you use your time. Now that you have a child, have each partner write down what your daily routine is like and check how you use your time. Rather than focusing on who does more, divide parenting and household chores according to what each of you are good at. Both you and your spouse need to spend time playing with your child and being with them during the week. When your spouse is playing with your child, use that time to do something for yourself (such as relaxing or doing something you want to do).
- Have regular mealtimes with your family
This possibility, of course, depends on your family's circumstance. However, it is generally helpful to find time for the whole family to sit down and eat together, even if it's just once or twice a week. The experience of sitting at a table with young children is important. In many cases, adults first quickly feed their children, considering it as a chore, then separately have meals. However, it’s a good idea to teach your children the concept of “having a meal together” from the time they start eating solids, so they can learn that mealtime is time to eat with their parents and not just time for feeding. This will allow children to bond with their parents and also help their children develop their habit of eating on their own.
- Have one-on-one communication time with your child
Working parents who have little time to spend with their children surely need to have a high-quality interaction time with them. These interactions are between the child and both mother and father. Therefore, it is recommended that you have some time after work to communicate one-on-one with your child, read their favorite picture books, or talk with each other while giving them a massage.
(Source : Ministry of Gender Equality and Family, Parental Education Manual Vol. 5: Parents of Infants, 2017)